Erratic Notes

Whenever I move somewhere, my restlessness comes from the fact that you lose contact with your close friends. You start all over again. It’s not that they don’t care. It’s just that your lives don’t cross as much. Nevertheless, there’s always this one friend that would travel all the way to see you. You hear how they’re moving on and wonder if you’ll achieve what you left for. That's why,

Discipline.

I lost it again. I realize I’m selling myself short and I’m losing the self that I worked hard to improve. My closest friends are free spirits. You could never make them do what they don’t want to. They’re sensitive to their moods, planets and moon. They could feel themselves at any time. I like making myself do what I don’t want. I don’t like letting people down when they count on it. It happens though. I let people down and I’m learning that I don’t owe anyone anything. Intention is the only thing that matters.

Back to discipline. I know that being in a "certain place" is a mistake but I keep going back there. I don’t want to let this person down and I enjoy masochistic acts. Like sitting, sulking and expecting acts of love and attention when I know that this person is incapable or too busy to love me. I know what I’m involving myself in isn’t for me and I need discipline to overcome it.

These past few months were awkward and the only thing I was able to control is my physical body so I returned to my old spiritual practices. I realize more often than I should that someone else in my situation would cultivate so much more benefits than me. And here I admit that I can’t function properly without subjecting myself to strong emotions. Meaning, I subject myself to situations in order to feel. Whether those feelings are positive or negative. Yoga calms me and I lose the desire to create. Without yoga, I’m restless, agitated and prone to depression. 

I’m searching for that balance. Discipline, contentment and creativity. I’m pushing myself physically only so I could break. Physical pain helps creating emotions. And the cycle goes on.

I let go of my fear of commitment along the way. One thing I received from a recent experience. I learned that you really can forget your place. I’m not crossing the bridge without an invitation anymore. Discipline, though painful is necessary. No more easy routes. I never liked them in the first place. I derive my pleasure from sweat. It gives me strong emotions, ecstasy!