Whenever I
move somewhere, my restlessness comes from the fact that you lose contact with
your close friends. You start all over again. It’s not that they don’t care. It’s
just that your lives don’t cross as much. Nevertheless, there’s always this one
friend that would travel all the way to see you. You hear how they’re moving on
and wonder if you’ll achieve what you left for. That's why,
Discipline.
I lost it again. I realize I’m selling myself short and I’m losing the self
that I worked hard to improve. My closest friends are free spirits. You could
never make them do what they don’t want to. They’re sensitive to their moods,
planets and moon. They could feel themselves at any time. I like making myself
do what I don’t want. I don’t like letting people down when they count on it.
It happens though. I let people down and I’m learning that I don’t owe anyone
anything. Intention is the only thing that matters.
Back to
discipline. I know that being in a "certain place" is a mistake but I keep going
back there. I don’t want to let this person down and I enjoy masochistic acts. Like
sitting, sulking and expecting acts of love and attention when I know that this
person is incapable or too busy to love me. I know what I’m involving myself in
isn’t for me and I need discipline to overcome it.
These past
few months were awkward and the only thing I was able to control is my physical
body so I returned to my old spiritual practices. I realize more often than I
should that someone else in my situation would cultivate so much more benefits
than me. And here I admit that I can’t function properly without subjecting
myself to strong emotions. Meaning, I subject myself to situations in order to
feel. Whether those feelings are positive or negative. Yoga calms me and I lose
the desire to create. Without yoga, I’m restless, agitated and prone to
depression.
I’m searching for that balance. Discipline, contentment and
creativity. I’m pushing myself physically only so I could break. Physical pain
helps creating emotions. And the cycle goes on.
I let go of
my fear of commitment along the way. One thing I received from a recent experience.
I learned that you really can forget your place. I’m not crossing the bridge
without an invitation anymore. Discipline, though painful is necessary. No more
easy routes. I never liked them in the first place. I derive my pleasure from
sweat. It gives me strong emotions, ecstasy!
