Silly Girl

24th of September

I'm filled with new energy but sad. Oxytocin is an interesting thing or is it because it's released in me?
I'm at this church, getting ready to watch a documentary about a dying man accompanied with organ music. I sit closer to the screen, take out my notebook. I'm looking at A, hotblooded Iranian and her sambo O, coldblooded Swede. I can't help but think, how did they happen?
Was it she who did it?
Did she do all the work?
Does she always text first?
Does she wait three days to get a text back?
Does she plan the dates?
Does she compliment him and is OK with not getting one when she tried so hard?
Does she tell him how good he makes her feel but never hear it back?
Does she sit staring at her book and not see the letters, thinking about him and how he hasn't called her his girlfriend yet?
Does he strangely look at her when she wants him? As if it's the silliest thing a girl could want!!
Does he roll his eyes every time she strokes him seducingly? 
DOES HE EVEN LIKE HER?


I'm sitting in this church and thinking about something silly again. Getting to know what you're missing is silly.
I am a silly girl! 

I'm Too Old To Tolerate Me Anymore

'I'm too old to tolerate me anymore,' Jacob says it should be my Camino motto.


I finally turned 30 this August. I've been 30 for couple of years now! Whenever anyone asked about my age, I always replied with 'almost 30.'

Few years ago after watching The Way, I decided I'd walk the French Camino de Santiago before turning 30 as a ceremony. I was already beaten by my job, private life and Sweden that a long walk seemed like a good rest away from everything.

I was planning to not really talk or walk with anyone and just tune in in myself and recharge alone. That didn't work! I met amazing people from the first day and by day 4, we formed our small family that met at certain towns and spent the evenings together because each of us had their own pace.

The Camino broke me mentally and physically..

When pilgrims reached the 600th kilometer, they let go of the rocks they carried from home. These rocks represent whatever they want to let go of or deal with. I didn't even know why I was carrying my rock. Everyone around me had a mission and I just wanted to enjoy the walk! Kind of! I was actually in pain almost every day of the Camino. I think it only felt better after the 700th kilometer.

Anyways, when you're walking alone everyday for a long time, you end up having honest conversations with yourself. I was trying hard not to. My heart was still broken and painful to have conversations with. But small things kept popping up, glaring at me and forcing my attention until I addressed them. I ended up finding out how badly I think of myself! The people around me probably like me a lot more than I do! And funny enough, these same people taught me that I am lovable and worthy of it. It was a revelation to me that I'm actually not annoying!!! The physical pain forced me to take care of myself. I massaged my feet and stretched. I ate well and listened attentively to my body's needs. It was like building a new relationship with myself.

The rock is still with me as a reminder to work on certain issues. To break free from my thoughts about myself.

I didn't keep a diary nor I took a lot of photos. I just brought my old film camera and forgot to take photos most of the time. I didn't even feel like reading nor sketching. I felt like I wanted to be present at all times, talk to my Camino family and just enjoy the time as it is.
Writing this, I realized there are a lot of things that I want to keep to myself. And as a person who is very open and loves to share stories, I find it strange!

It took us one month to finish 800 km. And then I was in St.Petersburg and then back to Sweden.
I'm still exhausted and socially drained but I'm flooded with new energy and everything around me is changing. But that's for another entry.